Sunday, June 13, 2021

Why I Waited Till Marriage to Have Sex

Did you get married young so you could have sex? 
How in the world are you going to wait till you get married to have sex?
You are being naive!
Try it before you buy it!
Sex is so important in dating! Have you guys really even dated?
That sucks that you can’t express physical love until you’re married.
Are you not comfortable with your sexuality?
Abstinence suppresses women!

You’re not allowed to because you’re a Christian right?

…and the list goes on.

Hubby and I dated for three years and were engaged for one more. Before I married him, I heard many comments or saw it in people’s eyes about my choice for waiting till marriage to have sex. Eventually, I let their judgments roll off my back. From my experience, some people who don’t abstain from sex before marriage think waiting is self-inflicted punishment, dumb, and an “obstruction of your sexuality.” Here’s why I chose to wait till marriage and why I felt empowered with my decision.

If you’ve had sex before and have re-committed to waiting till marriage, I want you to know that this is also for you. You are made new every day thanks to the perfect life Jesus Christ lived and died for us. Thanks to the gospel. <3

I Chose Abstinence

Even before I was a Christian (you can hear my story here), I told myself I would wait until I met the person I’d marry. Agnostic Shruthi understood the impact of tying herself and exchanging intimate energy with someone. Once I became a Christian, I knew I would wait until I married the person. When I understood that this body, this life, this heart all belong to the one who made me, God, it was a no-brainer for me to follow scripture. I refuse to be a Christian who talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk. Also, I didn’t want to give anyone a piece of my heart, a big piece of my heart, until we had a solid commitment and I only wanted to experience something so intimate with one person in my life.

Guess what? My husband believed the same thing.

For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Mark 10:7-9

I am not a one night stand kind of girl. I have never needed to fill up “my tank” with deep physical connection from a surface-level relationship. And to me, any relationship that wasn’t committed for LIFE was not serious, aka all of mine besides my husband. My heart was intact minus one heartbreak and still, that heartbreak took me years to get over. And now, having experienced the strong, beautiful connection (Woohoo!) of sex, I can’t even imagine how much more baggage I would have brought into the relationship if I had slept with my ex.

Why I Waited Till Marriage to Have Sex

The World Shames Waiting Till Marriage

From Cosmo articles talking about how a formerly Christian couple waited till marriage to have sex and deeply regret it because they were “fumbling around” to people talking about how boring sex is with virgins, the world is not about waiting. And I get it. Maybe it’s strange that I and so many others believe that there could be something more important than sex when getting to know someone.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I know that some of you will say you’ve had the opposite experience where you felt like your church and leaders at your church shamed you into thinking sex was a BAD thing. Some of my best friends had that experience. I’ve also heard experiences where women were given “the talk” but men were not. These are not right either.

I chose to wait till marriage because I believe as scripture says that our bodies belong to God, it protects your heart (both men and women!), and lets you focus on building a super solid friendship foundation.

My Girlfriends Kept Me Accountable

I like people who make me better. They know who they are. We encouraged each other with waiting until marriage and also checked in on each other to see the emotional health of our relationships. I am a firm believer in being held accountable for the commitments I choose, not having someone just be a “yes!” friend for everything.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

My deepest friendships come from people who celebrate BIG with me and push me toward pursuing Jesus in all things. They heard me confess and prayed over me when I told them I felt like we were letting boundaries slip (boundaries are so important!) or really tempted to put each other and our own desires first instead of God’s. I want to stress that we were not perfect during waiting till marriage. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to be patient, trust in God’s goodness and timing every dang day and GO HOME after 10pm if we were not in a group!

This Desiring God article says it well:

“Many couples get boundaries wrong because we’re asking the wrong questions. What if you and your boyfriend (or girlfriend) started by asking a different question? What are we really after in dating (or in all of life)? And what are we trying to secure or enjoy in this relationship?

If the honest answer is affection and intimacy, no number of boundaries can guard us completely. We can put up all the fences we want, but the brokenness hides inside of us (and all our fences), and it waits to strike when we’re at our weakest and most vulnerable.

But if we’re able to answer that we’re after more of Jesus in dating and in marriage, the boundaries that once looked so stale, boring, and old-fashioned suddenly become our best friends in the fight.” 

Y’all, have a group or at least one other person you can be transparent with if abstinence is on your heart. Also, my husband had his guy friends keep him accountable with several things including abstinence (!!!).

This wasn’t just a one-sided commitment.

Abstinence and Waiting Till Marriage

Affection Can Be More Than Sex

Bear hugs are my favorite. Kisses on the cheek, lips, and top of my head fill me with joy. Holding hands with my man makes me feel secure and I love how small my hands are in his. We wrote each other over 100 letters. I still have them. We thought out really thoughtful dates for each other from booking massages to eating dinner in the Eiffel Tower to making pizzas to serving our community together.

We loved each other in so many ways and learned so much about each other every time we spent time together. He learned to really pursue me. And the best part is, he still pursues me like that. Date nights aren’t an afterthought to him, they are a necessity.

When I look at Christian couples who have been married for decades, they are still affectionate and even joke around about how great their sex lives are. Seriously, so many authors talk about this. But the thing is, more often than not, they aren’t joking. They are in love in a mind, body, and soul way yall. They don’t lose steam with time. Because sex to them is more than just pleasure. It’s more than just filling a need. It’s honoring and praising God, it’s an act of worship.

Honoring God With Everything Is My First Desire

Our bodies belong to our loving God. He made us, created us all in his image, knows us better than we know ourselves. God says when a man and woman are married, they become ONE flesh. That’s how intimate sex is meant to be. And so because of that, I didn’t use this body to sleep with people I was not married to. I chose to guard my heart.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Provers 4:23

If you’re rolling your eyes, I get it. Nobody wants to be withheld from anything. Our nature is to serve ourselves first.

We are in a culture where if we want it, we take it. In the words of the great poet Ariana Grande, “i see it i like it i want it i got it.” We PRIDE ourselves on our experiences even if they’ve hurt us because we are “finding out our own truth” and “just being human.” But guess what? God gives us truth and meaning. Period. We are daughters of a KING, the creator of all. But instead of seeking meaning there, we become paralyzed with the amount of “self-meaning” and “self-freedom” we seek. People go in circles their whole lives…if only they’d just stop and lookup.

Abstinence and Waiting Till Marriage

We Explored Sex Together

I never felt like our relationship was lacking because of a lack of sex in our relationship. We simply added a new element to it after it was already rock-solid.

I’m a feminine person who is comfortable with being sexual in the right context. And the right context for me, was my life partner, the love of my life, the only person I’d ever give access to my whole heart.

If you’ve chosen to honor God with waiting till marriage, I want you to know that from my experience, it’s worth it. And remember, sex is not the end all be all in a relationship but a solid foundation of friendship, faith, and trust is. There are people who will walk that journey with you if you seek them.

Yes, there will be moments where you’re like “THIS IS SO HARD”. There will also be more moments looking back where you are thankful. Thankful you protected your heart and have only one person in mind when you think of the most intimate physical connection you can have with another person.

Cheers,

thehonestshruth signature

Read more: Love is worth the wait

10 COMMENTS

  1. This is SUCH a great article! It’s really great to read something like this from a Christian who actually striver to live her life the way we were meant to live it, through Christ! This article gives me a lot of motivation to not just wait until marriage to have sex but also to not pursue any sexual acts on my own because I know that everything will have a deeper meaning with not only my spouse, but with God, once I get married! Thanks for being so faithful & proud of what you’re doing girl!

  2. I’m going to be honest with you: I am a virgin who decided to wait until marriage and I feel profoundly unhappy. I was in love with someone who loved me back, but we didnt see eye-to-eye abt this subject. I wanted to make love to him, but upheld my commitment. He wanted to make love to me and believes that is the ultimate expression of love is intimacy- but the question of marriage being the deciding point of our intimacy made him exceedingly anxious as I had to address these boundaries early in, and he has relationship OCD, which led to unhealthy fixation (particularly fixation surrounding his perspective of my waiting- ie by my wanting to wait until something as permanent as marriage, which he, fairly, was not prepared to make a decision on so early- I am actually making sex hugely consequential) and anxiety surrounding it. We’re not together right now. I miss him terribly and I feel like I missed an opportunity to show him the depth of my feelings by forgoing intimacy. I know he has had issues in his prior relationships with feeling undesirable, and I believe my choice to wait (although it came over a decade before we met) triggered that as well. I’m nearing my 30s and I am so sad. And if I’m honest, I have spent years with my grief in the wait- even with people I’ve dated who were supportive of it. My heart was not spared in waiting, several times over.

    • And while that has yet to change my decision, I just thought I should share. Because nobody talks about that part, ever- and I’m aware my situation is a bit specific, but it’s so hard watching other Christians find a way to only speak positively about it, or briefly mention that it was difficult, and never say anything else

      • Hey Elisa. I resonate with some of the feelings you shared. As christian women in waiting the road is not without it’s “feelings of loss/regret/frustrations”. Our feelings are real in that we experience them but they do not always reflect the truth. I am twenty eight and waiting for marriage. I can’t say I have always felt happy about my decision. In fact most of my doubts and frustrations were triggered when I was with someone who said they wanted to wait in the beginning but as we were growing things changed (3rd year of dating ) I was hurt and could not understand why his perspective had changed. I didn’t want to lose him and so I started to give in.One crossed boundary led to the next and the only thing we didn’t do was go “all the way”. We got engaged but it didn’t feel right. Almost as though he was doing it so he could have full acess. This left me feeling lost and further from God and him feeling frustrated, impatient,rejected and fixated after we were engaged. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. Always anxious, frustrated, unhappy, low self worth. One afternoon after fighting I gave him the ring back and asked for some time alone. I went into hermit mode and used this time to read the word of God and ask myself why i want to wait till marriage . This lasted about six weeks no contact . During this time I realized that in as much as I love Him, I was putting his feelings and my need for affection,commitment and pleasure before God’s will. I was so afraid of losing him. Then I asked myself if being with him was worth my disobedience….it was a hard truth to digest.I still desire marriage but I am learning that it shouldn’t not come at the expense of the word & will of God which is very clear on purity and chastity.I found peace and realized that the desires of my flesh are a battle I will have to fight each day and his responsibility was to fight his own for as long as we were still unmarried. God pieced me back together and reminded me that all the needs I was seeking in the relationship, only He can fulfill. Waiting sucks it’s not a happy place but it builds faith,self control and trust in God. I hope you get there on your own terms.

  3. Hey Elisa. I resonate with some of the feelings you shared. As christian women in waiting the road is not without it’s “feelings of”loss/regret/frustrations”. Our feelings are real in that we experience them but they do not always reflect the truth. I am twenty eight and waiting for marriage. I can’t say I have always felt happy about my decision. In fact most of my doubts and frustrations were triggered when I was with someone who agreed to wait in the beginning but wanted to have sex in the 3rd year of our relationship.I was hurt and could not understand why his perspective had changed. I didn’t want to lose him and it was pleasurable to cross “boundaries”. The only thing we didn’t do was go “all the way”. We got engaged but it didn’t seem right. Almost as though he was doing it so he could have full acess. This left me feeling lost, distant from God and him feeling frustrated, impatient,rejected and fixated after we were engaged. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. Always crying, anxious, frustrated, unhappy with low self worth. One afternoon following a series of fights, I gave him the ring back and asked for some time alone. I went into hermit mode and used this time to read the word of God and ask myself why i want to wait till marriage . This lasted about six weeks of no contact . During this time I realized that in as much as I love Him, I was putting his feelings, my need for affection,commitment and pleasure before God’s will. I was so afraid of losing him. Then I asked myself if being with him was worth my disobedience….it was a hard truth to digest.I still desire marriage but I am learning that it shouldn’t not come at the expense of the word & will of God which is very clear on purity and chastity.I found peace and realized that the desires of my flesh are a battle I will have to fight each day and his responsibility is to fight his own for as long as we were still unmarried. God through his word, reminded me whose I am and that I had developed an unhealthy soultie. Waiting sucks!!! It’s not a happy place but it builds faith,self control and trust in God. I hope you get there on your own terms.

    • Thank you for sharing these replies. I appreciate your openness and honesty in stating what might be an obvious experience. I was crying about this this morning when I stumbled across my previous post, when I was crying two months ago. I am still in the same place and have been this way for 6 mo+ (brokenhearted, crying, praying every day). I have prayed, I have come to the Lord about why I was choosing to wait (bc it’s what He said is right); I have, again, not wavered in my choice, but, to agree with your succinct sum-up, waiting does suck: I feel so unhappy, I cannot believe it. I have mentioned it to Christian counselors and, honestly, no one knows what to say to me but to tell me to keep going. I hope I find peace too, but I grow less confident that I will. I know that I get my companionship and commitment from God, that’s why I come to him every day. And I’m sure that you would agree that in a loving relationship, waiting for intimacy is more than just a battle of the flesh– I would assume that it would be to share yourself with a partner with whom you desire to be married (and in your case, intending to soon be); I find it really hard to believe that all of our natural desires, even those we are trying to keep in their appropriate God-ordained places (as we do, as you do/did, as I do/did) are just a battle. I have honestly thought about forgoing having children if/when I do get married, because it will be my duty to tell them to wait, and I don’t want them to feel the pain that I have felt. I would like to see goodness in the land of the living in this part of my life, and honestly, if it does not resolve, this specific, aforementioned experience in my choice to wait will have scarred me like no other.

      • Additionally, while I understand that our souls can be “knitted” together (described in the *friendship* of Johnathan and David- 1 Samuel 18:1) and that man and woman, when engaging in intimacy, become “one flesh”– unhealthy soul ties (in the context of romantic relationships) aren’t Biblical. It is my understanding (which could be incorrect) that this theology came about in the 90s iteration of the purity movement. Sorry– the “soul ties” thing is a pet peeve for me only because I was raised in the after-effects of this exact movement; while I benefitted in that was not fully engaged the cultural aspect of the purity movement (the purity balls, the saddling women with men’s responsibility to their own sexual purity), I feel like I have still somehow become subject to its grief. Now, surely that phenomenon with emotionally or sexually bonded couples, to which you have referred could probably be chalked up to something like a chemical pair-bonding– but soul ties, I believe, can be chalked up to a Christian-culture (or neurochemical) thing, as opposed to something in the Bible. Anyway, I thank you for taking the time to reply with your story; I do appreciate it, and although I still feel horrible, at least I know I am not alone in really feeling hurt and terrible by this

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